Rambling

So much going on in my mind, so little time to actually think through it all... Forgive me if this turns out incoherently... it will almost be stream-of-consciousness though not exactly... especially since this was written over the course of two days...

I've said things before that made it sound like I really lost interest in my major over time and did not really care about working with TV after all. That is only partially true. I did get tired of a lot of things relating to my major, mostly the fact that (1) I felt that I was learning very little but expected to be doing better and (2) the only opportunities that seemed to be available for me were ones that I was not interested in. The program's emphasis was on TV, and mostly studio and live TV (like the news) for that matter. If I did TV, I wanted to do sitcoms and such, but really and truly... I wanted to do movies, though... I thought since I live so close to Nashville, music videos would be the way to go. Well obviously, when I graduated from college, entry-level positions to work on music videos were not lining up for me. So I was just going to get a job that had nice normal hours. And it took over a year to find.

I'm very thankful. This is not about me trying to break away from my current situation tomorrow. This is about thinking through my interests and passions, and deciding what I can pursue in the future.

What is it about film that drew me? The story. I've been writing stories most of my life. Honestly, I it's my passion, I just didn't admit it. The funny thing is, I've always known what I loved most, but I didn't have the confidence to share it. I acted like I did not really know what I wanted in my life when the truth was I did... I just didn't think it would happen. I wanted to write stories that would move and inspire others... that would make them laugh and cry, happy and thoughtful. I wanted to be an author and then I thought more of a movie director and then later more of a screenwriter. And then back to an author. But maybe a screenwriter too? Why not both?

But I've also tried to find the more practical route, the Plan B if you will. And I mean the dream Plan B, not the one where I'm a receptionist for the rest of my life. I loved my psych classes, or most of them anyways. I find it fascinating. I find psychology in everything and I love to talk about it. I've looked for psychology graduate programs but can't seem to find the right fit for me. I don't know what I would do with it professionally, which is probably my biggest problem. Since education reform seems to finally be getting some attention, perhaps I could go the educational psychology route and consult with schools and curriculum people about different learning styles and how children need to be taught, etc., yet I don't see this actually happening.

Really, my favorite psychology anyways is social psychology, which is pretty useless for anything other than teaching and researching, neither of which appeal to me. But I probably could get paid to write books about the psychology found in Star Trek... but only if I am established as a credible psychologist to begin with. Sigh. Oh, and I don't want to do counseling. And industrial organizational psychology can be nice and practical (it most likely leads to a career in HR), but the one I/O psych class I took was the one I found to be pretty boring.

But who says I have to be a psychologist just because I like the subject? Having an interest in human behavior and being a writer is a great combination, because it makes your characters more realistic. There's just that whole getting published thing. I was starting to gain confidence this might actually happen one day, but then I submitted a story to Collage and couldn't even get that published (though it did score well and was considered). I'm not saying I'm giving up or really that upset or discouraged, but it has concerned me a little. But, it was just one story and one rejection. Many writers get rejected multiple times before they get published, and then their story turns out to be a hit.

I guess I'll keep taking one step at a time. I haven't written in over a month and I miss it. Soon I'll have my weekends back and maybe can write a little then, and one day I'll get serious about my novel again and try to find a publisher. I may not be published by 25, but perhaps 30.

The next post should be more fun and have pictures. :)