How Painful the Best Will Turn Out

I don't like to dwell on the past, but sometime it's good to reflect. Yesterday at work I randomly decided to watch the videos I had on my iPod... that is, the ones I had made in college. As much as a certain professor of mine wanted me to believe that what I created was garbage, that was not what I saw when I watched them, especially my final project for his class. Did I have an HD camera for most of these? No. Did I need better lighting? Yes. Were the angles sometimes awkward thanks to cramped spaces? Yes. But none of those things were my fault. They were beyond my control. I had good concepts, good ideas, and usually I recruited good actors too, so that could not be to blame.

It made me remember why I did enjoy it for a time. Did it revive a passion within me to go out and shoot more as soon as possible? Not really. Storytelling in general yes, but that's an everyday given. And I would like to do more videos in the future, or if I'm really lucky, movies, but I did not pursue making a career out of video the way I could have, and I don't think there is a reason to regret that. I also don't think I need to regret my choice of major, even if I don't understand what it's purpose was since it doesn't exactly provide jobs.

Today I was reflecting on high school, about how it all started in Texas, before my journey to Tennessee, and the culture shock from private to public school. All this was on my mind because I wanted to share my story with my small group girls this coming Sunday for our Bible study session, seeing as in less than a month they'll be starting high school. And it was pretty amazing to look back through those four years and see what God did. How He prepared my heart for public school before the move, how He prepared my heart for a change, how He brought about amazing opportunities to share His love with others on missions trips and at school, and how He placed the right people into my life when I needed them the most. And if God has been faithful to me all that time, why do I doubt Him so much now?

To be honest, I've heard a lot of silence. I really feel like I haven't seen Him move in my life since 2007 (AKA the crap year). Part of it is my fault I believe, not listening as I should or pursuing Him fervently blocks me, no doubt, from seeing some of His work. But I don't believe God is standing in some back alley with his arms crossed and foot tapping waiting for me to get my act together before He can come talk to me again. I believe He's working in these circumstances. I believe unemployment was for a reason. I believe my current temp position is for a reason. I believe writing again is for a reason. I believe my major was for a reason. I believe my location is for a reason. I believe that God has got everything under His control and His Will is sovereign, period, no matter what I do. I can benefit more if I open to Him, but He's going to do what He will no matter what.

He has something in the works. Not just one big "Something," but various things in my life to play out, things wonderful and amazing, as well as hard and painful. The thing is, I want to accept the first two, but not the latter two. If I have to miss out on the wonderful and amazing so I can miss out on the hard and painful, maybe I will just stay here where it's comfortable, even if it's pretty mediocre. It's like Jesus asking the crippled man, "Do you want to get well?" And then the man makes excuses! Excuses! He's been crippled for more years than I have lived, and he doesn't jump at the chance to be healed? But he knows life by the pool of Bethesda. It may not be ideal, but it's less scary than what's out in the real world. But Jesus heals him anyways. And the man receives no joy from it. [John 5]

Needless to say, I want to want to be healed. I want to receive joy from being healed.

I read this quote from C.S. Lewis and it really describes my recent feelings; since God has assured me over and over again He is working in my life, but He makes no promises for my comfort: "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us: we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." But the question is, do I trust Him to get me through the pain?