I feel the need to write a post but I am not quite sure what to say. I don't feel I need to get into details, but I have recently had my spirits lifted about an opportunity to work on a video, only to be disappointed a few days later, not because the chance was taken from me, but because of the content. I could feel in my spirit that I would have to back down from it. I haven't officially yet, but I know I will.
Without trying to sound righteous about it, I feel God will honor the decision. It may not be anything visible or tangible, but I do believe it. This is why I hesitated to write this. I don't want to sound like I've got everything figured out. I have very little figured out. I don't know where my life is going, but I have been feeling a little bit more peaceful lately. Though I have been having a hard time with writing lately, I still feel that's part of my future and I need to keep doing it. At least, I hope I'm right about this. Honestly, I'm kind of modest about my writing or anything else I might be decent at. I wasn't even sure if anyone would like my fiction writing until my last semester of college. And then the other day when someone asked me if I was a screenwriter (after I mentioned taking a screenwriting class in college), I hesitated.
Well, not really. I don't get paid for it, obviously. And I haven't worked on a script for a while because I'm trying to write a novel. Yeah, that doesn't sound pretentious or anything. I'm struggling with said novel. I know that after this I'm going to work on short stories, and maybe scripts one day. I have a lot of cool movie ideas. But I need to develop more as a writer first to do them justice.
It was like when I was in junior high and someone asked me if I was an actress because I was wearing a necklace with drama masks on it. Well, I enjoy it. I'm in my little school plays, but it's no big deal. And most likely, I'm not going to do it for the rest of my life or get paid for it. I act but I don't know if I would call myself an actress.
I am just me. I write, I take pictures, I bake, I watch movies, I shop, I play with my cat, and I love my husband. Does this make me a writer-photographer-baker-movie critic-shopper-cat lover-wife? Maybe, but I don't feel I deserve most of those labels (I'll certainly take wife though and I have probably earned shopper, ha ha). Like saying you are such a thing makes you an expert. Maybe it does and maybe it doesn't, I don't know. This has nothing to do with my original point. I just feel my life has to go one way, that I have to have a single purpose and passion and goal. But that's just not me. I like different things and I'm decent at a few of them. I don't know what is ahead of me: after rejecting this opportunity, after this undesirable phase of unemployment passes (oh please let it pass), after the sun comes up tomorrow. But for once, I feel a little peaceful about it. Not because I know anything, but because I know the One who knows everything.
2 comments:
Let's make our own movie. You can write, star in and direct it.
And ME?
I'll be the stunt man.
:D
I know what you mean about "I Don't Know." (ironic? yes.) It's such a difficult place to be in, because our whole lives we're told that if we go to college, we're going to get that great job. But now that we're actually through, we realize that our chances haven't really improved that much. The world is still the same: no one wants to hire without experience. But how do you get that experience until someone is willing to take a chance on you?
I admire your commitment to morality in your profession. Certainly not an easy one to maintain in the cinematic world. I know I'm struggling currently with whether or not to include words like "damn" and "hell" (in the "what the" sense) in my novel. I know that especially in war books, even preachers have been known to include those (and much worse) because that's how it really happens. But since mine is in the future, is that how it would really happen? All that to say, I really do admire your commitment.
Don't worry about the novel. You've come this far for a reason. When it's ready to end, it will let you know. ;)
i kind of had my own crisis with this when i was heavily involved with the dance program at school. i just felt like i was trying trying trying but nothing was coming of it. i was improving, learning, but all i could see was how much better the other girls and and guys were than me. it's hard. you just have to keep doing it and ignore internal criticism.
Post a Comment