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There is a lot whirling through my mind right now, as tomorrow is the ten year anniversary of 9-11, as I prepare my small group lesson based on the second chapter of the book Radical by David Platt, as I think about my life today and my life over the past several years.
My generation grew up the affluent age of the 1990s, where we knew no hardship and technology was booming. As we entered our teenage years the Internet became an integral part of our lives, the number of personal computers grew rapidly, cell phones became essential... and our nation was attacked by terrorists. So after years of prosperity, there was some fear. We became outraged with the enemy and the country was united. We were determined. would fight. We would sacrifice. We would do whatever it took to overcome.
But we forget things quickly. It wasn't long before there did not seem to be a threat anymore, before people become divided, before we decided we can't live without all the luxuries we have. And even though there was conflict, it was not on our home front. Most of us did not have to sacrifice. Life resumed as normal for most of us.
Fast forward ten years. Our economy is in the toilet. We've been told we are no longer in a recession but job growth is practically non-existent. Those of us who grew up with that affluence, who knew fear for only a short while, who were told our whole lives we were special and that we could do anything we set our minds to, are suddenly grown up, in the real world, and utterly confused. Most of us can't find decent jobs (and by decent, I mean entry-level). We live with our parents. We go back to school searching for the degree that will land us some sort of position. We are frustrated. But heaven forbid if we didn't have an iPhone. That would just be entirely too much. Maybe we aren't as unfortunate as we think. But we just have that sense of entitlement.
Those who are ten years younger, in the generation born after us, grew up knowing the world was dangerous, but they were also born into the technology boom and grew up with it even more so than we did. (Ask a 14 year old about dial-up Internet and watch them scratch their head. A 24 year old, meanwhile, has horror stories to recall.) I wonder if they feel entitled too. Do they still expect the world to be at their fingertips when they graduate college, just as we did? Are the older generations feeding them the same lies they told us? Will it just keep getting worse and worse until America finds itself in utter ruin?
Because what has happened is that we feel we will never fall. Instead of putting aside differences, we bicker and fight about religion, economics, education, everything. Ten years ago the country united, and over time since then, we have grown completely apart and divided.
Will the divisions continue to grow wider until the country cracks wide open into utter ruin? Or will a generation finally rise and get us out of this mess?
I often times fear if there is a generation that does rise, it won't be ours. Which is too bad, because I genuinely believe this a strong generation filled with good-hearted people. Flawed and sinful, of course, but compassionate and giving nonetheless. But also spoiled. And really just confused. If we do rise, it will probably be ten years from now, when we finally realize that we are not children anymore, but adults, and we are going to do everything we can to fight for our independence. That it might even be worth risking our iPhone (or whatever the new technology) for.
God calls us to live in radical abandonment to Him. To forsake comfort and embrace Him. A lot of us forget that. But others take it to the extreme, selling everything and moving to other countries. That is a good thing for those who are called, but not all are called to that. So the rest of us are trying to live out a Christian American dream. We want to be church-attending yuppies who don't have any problems. But I'm not saying that we can't live a normal-looking life. I recently read something, in which C.S. Lewis pointed out that Paul acknowledged that Christians would be living out normal lives, doing things like attending dinner parties with pagans even. God does not ask everyone to throw the iPhone out the window. But are we listening to see if He is? Do we even know what His voice sounds like? Whatever we do, we are to do for the glory of God, whether in America or India or Uganda, in a suit and tie at a 9 to 5 or under a ball cap at McDonald's. Maybe instead of being so angry that we once had the world at our fingertips and it has now slipped away, we should see it as an opportunity. We should recognize that God never promised comfort. In fact, discomfort is more of a guarantee for those of us who follow Christ. This is how God will reveal His glory. He will use us whether we like it or not, but will we choose to receive joy from it? Another question: have we actually repented of our sins and asked God to penetrate our lives for real? Not just praying a prayer and walking down an aisle and getting dunked but for real asking Him to change our lives and living out that difference?
It seems so elementary. I believe I asked Jesus into my heart when I was six years old. I believe it was real. But even if it wasn't, it was about six or so years later as I grew in understanding of what a relationship with Christ is. But I must confess, even as an active member of a college ministry and church, and by active I mean I served as well as attended, and even surrounding myself with other believers, I saw myself really let go of a lot of that in college. And it's gotten worse since then. I do believe I am a Christian. I don't believe it was fake for me before and I don't believe I've lost it. But I have allowed something to happen. I have stopped seeking Him with a hunger. I have been clinging to my own definition of god, one who just wants me to be happy and successful in life, instead of the one who asks me to take my cross and follow Him, regardless of what that looks like. I must confess, I have recognized this multiple times over the past few years and tried to go back to Him. It works for a while, I pray more and read my Bible more earnestly and seem to hear Him. And then I get complacent again.
Where has the hunger gone? Is it gone because I feel I don't need Him? Because I am doing alright? Or is just the opposite, is it gone because I am so frustrated that I feel He hasn't delivered for me, that it doesn't seem alright? Because the moment I realize how blessed I am, I also want to point out all my problems, particularly the ones I know I'll have in the future but that don't exist yet.
There is no multi-step program to help me, no magical one time prayer, no book I can read, nothing that can solve my problem. There is just everyday abandonment. And to remember that every day, to seek it every day, to be willing to do it every day, that is a challenge.
I think a lot of Christians my age feel similarly. Discouraged by life and by God. Confused and uncertain. Once on fire and now barely a spark. Will something drastic have to wake us up again? Will we go on like this forever? Will there be revival? Or will we each individually just have to come to a place where we realize God is sovereign, even when the bank account is low, the job prospects hopeless, when the future seems grim? I have no answers. I will not walk away from this writing having figured it out myself, suddenly becoming a better Christian who is ready for the change I know I need. This is a rant. A confession. A cry for help. A prayer. An pity party. A recognition. These are my unanswered questions. This is my quarter-life crisis. I am just trying to figure out how to live for Christ in a post-9/11, technology and social network driven, economically ruined society at the age of almost 25.
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