Run, Don't Walk

I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. - Psalm 119:32

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. - 2 Timothy 4:7-8

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. - Hebrews 12:1

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. - 1 Cor. 9:24-27

I hate running. I don't like exercising in general, not because I don't want my body to be in shape, but because I hate working up a sweat. I hate sweating in general. But the point I'm trying to make is not about sweat, but running. And I hate it.

I didn't always hate running. I didn't think much about it as a kid, running around at recess while playing soccer, beating boys at races on Field Day... back then, you could probably say I loved running, or at the very least liked it just fine. I didn't see it as a chore. The sweat also didn't bother me since I had not developed much awareness for my personal appearance yet. When you're a kid enjoying yourself, you just run free with reckless abandonment.

I thought about joining the track team one year... I can't remember when exactly, but I think it was in junior high. After one practice I said forget it. But I went back my sophomore year of high school, because in Texas more P.E. was required than it is in Tennessee (if only I had known I was about to move!). I ran one race for our meets, the 100 meter. This is a race that takes less than 20 seconds, even if you're slow. I was not terribly slow, but I always got last at the meets, just behind by a second. I didn't really care, because I didn't really like running. It wasn't my passion. I just wanted to get the race over with. (I did focus during the race, but that's another analogy for another time.) I didn't condition myself enough to win, because I didn't care about winning. I cared about getting my P.E. credit, doing decently, and moving on with my life, and thankfully my coach was nice enough to understand that.

In life, we are supposed to live as if we were running in a race and aiming to win. In faith, we are supposed to be striving for the ultimate prize. I read the 1 Corinthians passage a few days ago, read part of it again yesterday morning, and then had all the other verses pointed out to me in church yesterday. OK God, I get the message... I'm not running to win the prize, and quite frankly, I'm not even sure if I'm running. I might just be walking.  And this got me to thinking... I'm not walking just spiritually, but in many aspects of my life.

I got off to a nice sprinting start on getting back into writing, but last week I was completely apathetic about it. Sometimes I think about starting a portrait photography business, but other times I'm not so sure. I enjoy photography, I enjoy it a lot. But do I want to run after it with all reckless abandon, aiming to become a great wedding or commercial photographer? I don't think so. I want to have really nice pictures of my life, and I would like people to maybe occasionally pay me for some sort of pictures, or at the very least someone ask me to volunteer (at church or somewhere... though at church we kind of already have a designated photographer for everything...), but I don't aim to really become a professional photographer. But when you're looking for ways to make money, you start to consider everything, and so I've considered it. But I don't want to start a business and then find it consuming my life in a not so good way, or getting frustrated because I don't feel I measure up, or actually just hating it, etc.

And then of course, what about the job hunt? I'm still looking, still applying, but I just don't expect anything to happen until just one golden day when God decides to smile down upon me. Every time I read tips about job hunting, it talks about being proactive and aggressive. I wouldn't mind being that way... but I can't even find a job I want badly enough to fight for. I feel like I have no passions. I know it's not true, but the truth of the matter is I wish I could get paid to hang out with my friends, take vacations, bake, scrapbook, make indie movies, take pictures, and write stories. I'm passionate about that kind of life. I'm not passionate about marketing or clerical work or anything else I'm applying for. Right now I just want to make some money to save up for our future family and not hate what I'm doing. The very few times I saw a job I think I could get passionate about, I was grossly under-qualified. So I'm walking through the job hunt journey, hoping to find some answers sooner or later.

This morning I spent some time writing down the areas in my life where I need direction. All of these areas have been something I've needed direction in for a while, but I've just been walking through life, trying not to worry too much but also not really doing anything. Not worrying is great but completely ignoring the problem isn't. So now I've identified the problem: I am walking through life, through my spiritual journey, because I feel lost and directionless. I am not feeling particular passionate about much anything and need some more meaning for my life. I know the first step is to pursue God further, and maybe that's the only step. I feel like I can get up to a jog, but what will bring me back to running? One day will I find that he has instilled the desires I need and provided the way? When will I find out what is worth the sweating after all?