We Ran... And I Fell Behind... I've Been Stuck Here All This Time

I really hate being a perfectionist. I get so wound up in the smallest, dumbest things. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect? No one told me that I had to be. My parents never put that on me. They always told me to do my best, and whatever grade or result came from that was just fine. I guess I feel like if I don't get an A, or have a super positive result, then I didn't do my best. I could have been better. Maybe if I had worked just a little harder...

It's so completely silly. I hate being this way. I hate that schoolwork consumes my thoughts more than God. Maybe that's why I have to "fail", though some would hardly call it failing. My GPA is not that important. But unfortunately, my accomplishments are, but I feel I have none, because I'm so busy doing schoolwork. Or working.

Yesterday I went to a mass comm award ceremony, where I was rewarded a scholarship for the fall semester. It was nice to be awarded that, but they were also giving awards to "outstanding seniors" and inducting new members into the Wall of Fame in the Mass Comm building. And I could not help but think, I'll never get that. I most certainly won't be an outstanding senior because there are students that other mass comm students that are a lot more involved with the mass comm program than I am. I guess it's my own fault, but quite frankly, I could care less about the TV station on campus. I guess that makes me snobby, but it just doesn't interest me. I really just want to make stories come alive, and MTTV is more news and informational oriented and less creative oriented. Granted, I could produce pretty much any show I wanted on MTTV, but it would be really hard to do what I want seeing as I would need committed actors and actresses, locations to shoot, and more time in general.

I'll never get on the Wall of Fame. I supposedly won't be able to get a job without an internship, but an internship doesn't really work into my schedule for the next year, unless I quit my job, which I would really rather not do. Either that or magically find one for the summer, in which case I would have to compromise the quality of my short film I'm making for my honors thesis. Why am I doing an honors thesis? I really wanted to do it, but will it actually benefit me? Will that help me get a job? What will I end up doing for the rest of my life? Can I get a job in the advertising industry? I'm certainly not expecting one in the film or television industry. Or am I just going to get some random job that I don't even like?

All this ranting because I made a C on a stinkin' test... ha. I guess I'm overly dramatic. I'm very emotional. Opinionated. Stubborn. I always want to be right. And perfect. As you can imagine, there's a lot of stress in my life because of my high standards. And I don't want to live that way. And every time I let it go, it just comes right back to haunt me.

I bought the lie that I was all grown up
Didn't need you in my life

All these earthly things will pass away. They don't matter. It's about the eternal. I need to be less focused on the here and now, and more focused on forever. On God. On His Will. On what I can do for His Kingdom.

You never left me
I just chose to stay behind
I want to thank You for Your love
That gives me freedom
To run back, to come back

So I'll be here waiting where we started...