Forgiven But Not Forgotten

(I'm overwhelmed by all the comments I received from my last post! Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts!)

Maybe it's that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever. -Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice

Oh how I can relate to Mr. Darcy right here. I don't know if I suffer from a lack of forgiveness (I think this is true sometimes, though I feel like I am more easily able to forgive than I once was), or if I just have some personality trait that demands justice. I hold high expectations for myself, and several years ago I noticed I was holding those up for others as well, which is why I was constantly disappointed with people. I think I finally stopped that, for the most part at least. But sometimes, people still disappoint me, by doing something that seems so obviously stupid or hurtful, and it's hard for me to handle.

The other day I ran into a friend I had class with last semester. She's a junior now, and she is going through that horrid class with that horrid man. She mentioned she was heading off to go do a shoot, and it made me think back. I feel like I have more or less forgiven the guy, but thinking about him still conjures up unpleasant feelings. It's not just me either; I have other friends from that class that are the same way. We can't help but feel he did us wrong. So I was thinking, why was that? I didn't love the class while I was taking it, but I didn't consider myself to hate it until it ended and I got a B.

In short, he never taught us the way he should have, and his criticism was never constructive. He demanded perfection and professionalism without helping us achieve it. And when he disheartened me so much, more than any other person I have ever encountered, can I just brush that aside so easily? Maybe it's easy for some, but it's not for me. I can forgive but I will never forget. And when I remember, I have to forgive again, and again, and again. When I remember this professor, I remember that was the turning point in college, where I wanted to change my major and lost all my passion for production and began the countdown to graduation. And while I won't let that paralyze me from moving forward in life, it still represents a disheartening time for me that (sometimes) continues as I struggle with my job hunt (though that is the economy's fault more so than his).

If you can forgive someone but you can never forget, how can you deal with the negative feelings without being in sin? There are people who I feel I will never have a good opinion of again unless they redeem themselves in a major way. I hate disliking people. I don't dislike very many people, but the ones I do dislike, I just can't shake out of my mind what they have done. What's worse is when you can't talk to that person about it. You can't resolve it with them, and this is generally the situation I find myself in. If I can talk to a person about something they did, it's a lot easier to move on. But when I can't, it's a lot easier to be stuck in that rut. So what's the difference between not having a good opinion of someone and bitterness? Not talking badly about them? What if you're just telling the truth of what they did, like I feel I did above concerning my former professor? Is it about the tone? Is it about how defensive it is? I really don't know.

There seems to be a fine line between having not forgotten and being bitter, and I think I tend to shift from side to side on it. I just wish I knew how to completely stay away from the bitterness side.

(EDIT/SIDE NOTE/P.S.: This post was born because of a more recent situation, and my professor situation served as an example. It's not like I've actually been doing a lot of stewing over him lately, though I was recently reminded of him and the situation.)