For pretty much my whole life, I have also been pretty connected with myself as far as knowing what my dreams, desires, ambitions, talents, and goals were. I have high interpersonal intelligence... I know myself. I have always known what I believed and had an opinion. I have always been confident in myself. I always had a sense of where I was heading, for the most part at least.
Since college, some of that has changed. Not necessarily knowing myself or the confidence in myself, but the direction that my life was headed. At first I felt pretty sure. Garrett was majoring in recording industry, and I just knew that we were both going to be in the music industry. I thought he might be in a band, and I would make music videos, be a stylist, be a merchandiser, be all sorts of exciting things for his band. The idea of it was really a dream to me, something I would have loved. But when Garrett changed his major to accounting, I had to give that dream to God and trust that He had a plan.
I haven't changed my major, but I went from being so sure I was going to be making music videos and movies and whatnot to having no clue what career was right for me, what career I could even get into. The past year has been a toll for me. Not that I've been through too horrible of stuff (though last summer when I dealt with multiple deaths it was certainly not a breeze), but I have certainly been challenged in new ways. I went through a semester of school that was otherwise perfectly alright but completely ruined by one class. One class that completely discouraged me from every dream I had, not because I am a quitter but because I realized my dreams weren't going anywhere. It was quite frustrating.
A couple of other events this past year have really been a wake-up call. Spending a whole year trying to serve in a ministry position I was certain I was called for but turned out to be a total failure really made me wonder where I was spiritually. I wondered if I was cut out for such a position, one that I thought that I was supposed to do. Again, just very frustrating.
And tonight I realized for the hundredth time that I feel so disconnected from God right now. I keep remembering the amazing opportunities God has given me in the last several years and wonder why they stopped. I didn't make it to New York this past Spring Break because I was so spiritually drained and knew I was not in a position to go. And my situation has not improved a lot since then.
I am the most alive and passionate when I am connected to God. I feel like I have been living in a drought for about a year now. I don't feel alive, or passionate, about much anything, including God. I am excited about friendships and the upcoming joy of marriage and wedding planning, but other than that... nothing. I'm just kind of here. It's not that I'm not spending time with God, because I am. Perhaps the quality of time is not what it should be, but I am making an effort. I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle, and I feel it's serving Him. But I have no idea what to do. Everything I thought I was gifted in I have seriously questioned these past few years, except maybe writing, and I doubt I can do much with that right now.
I remember when I used to live in Houston, and shortly after I moved here, I used to be so much more encouraging. Now I feel like it would be so awkward to encourage someone. I have become so used to sarcasm it's ridiculous. But deep inside I want to talk to people I care for, some that I don't even talk to that much, and encourage them. How edifying would that be to those around me? So much more than anything I am doing now. If it's not for God's glory, it's empty. Satisfaction only comes when He has glory. And I haven't experienced a lot of that lately. And I miss it. Not because it's about me feeling good (well maybe that's part of it, I can't be completely altruistic), but because it's about my worship to God. It's vital. I cannot truly live without worship. No wonder I can feel so dead at times. I have minimal access to my source of Life. I need to do something. But I don't know what.
And so for once in my life... I don't know where I am going.
4 comments:
sometimes it is good to have your life shaken up. you can't plan for things, nor can you expect everything to fall into place. sometimes the best things are the things that are unplanned and are unexpected.
i think amy is right. the challenges in life help you figure out what you really want. it's probably good that you figured out that you did not want to do the ministry position now rather than later when you dived deeper into it.
i think it's best to keep trudging along and everything will work out in the end. though you may feel far from God now, He has not left you and will always be there for you.
Maybe your trying to hard. The pastor here in knoxville told a story about Martin Luther, or maybe it was Brother Dean... anyways. Martin Luther would countless hours each day confessing his sins, but he never had complete satisfaction that God was hearing him until he realized that he needed to utilize his faith that God was hearing him and forgiving him. Maybe this is applicable here. But i think what i'm trying to say is to have faith that God is always there and will guide you in the right direction, whether that is making music videos or being a writer.
I know I've been lazy in the past about my walk with Christ. Even now, I'll think 'I'm too tired to concentrate on the Bible', yet I always seem to be doing something else when I'm energized. Lack of discipline seems to be a huge issue among many Christians, but it really is up to us to get back on our feet if we truly intend to seek Christ.
As for where you're going. . . who knows. I was once told, "Satan says, 'what if'. God says what is." Take everything as it is right now and do your best to tune out any kind of doubt Satan throws your way. Do you honestly think your Creator is going to put you with a job you despise? He might, but He will make His presence known, and you'll find joy in it.
Lol, there wasn't a 2g. This is the second version of the iPhone.
3G is the name of the web network. It's a higher, faster, and overall better quality of internet for the phone.
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